ANGUS CRICHTON SNAPPING A FINGER AGAINST THE BRONCOS LAST YEAR.

The Sydney Roosters have formally written to the NRL asking that its $1 million a year contract for gun forward Angus Crichton not be counted towards its salary cap in 2019.

The reason for the unusual request according to Roosters coach Trent Robinson is down to Crichton’s medical status.

“Obviously when we bought Angus he had 10 fingers,” Robinson told the media this morning.

“But now he’s had one digit lopped off our club shouldn’t be expected to pay the full fee for a player who isn’t whole.”

Crichton had the middle finger on his left hand amputated last month following five operations to fuse it.

“It’s like if I bought a Rolf Harris painting before he was jailed, I would be expecting a major refund on that too,” Robinson added.

“The Roosters just want what’s right…we did the same thing with Fergo a while back, when we realised he was no longer naturally fast or evasive, we asked for a 35 per cent rebate on his contract too.”

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NEW TITANS OWNERS ARE URGENTLY REVIEWING THEIR RECEIPTS THIS MORNING

The consortium responsible for purchasing the ailing Gold Coast Titans franchise have been forced to admit that making the announcement has already cost them millions of dollars.

The group claim they have haemorrhaged money on merchandise and press releases used to court the media, citing “supplier issues” as the main culprit.

“Looking back on it we should never have hired Jarryd Hayne to take the publicity photo for us,” Owner Darry Kelly said.

“We thought it might be good PR to have Jarryd take the shot but the bloke charged exorbitant fees and really bled us dry”.

Another major drain on the purse of the new owners was poorly priced merchandise designed to drum up support in the media.

“We thought we were using a reputable wholesaler for the merch but it turns out G Bird Pty Ltd was priced well above the market value,” a forlorn Rebecca Frizelle conceded this morning.

“If we had done more research and known that the company was simply Greg Bird selling off all of his old clothes at a premium we would’ve made a wiser decision.”

“You live and you learn I suppose.”

The consortium has called an urgent board room meeting to discuss the poor investment choices and double check what their cooling off period is on the club purchase.

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WILLING TO CEDE BACK THE LEAGUES CLUB IF NECESSARY SAYS CHERRY-EVANS

Manly captain Daly Cherry-Evans says he is willing to cut his monthly salary by $5 million if it will help the Sea Eagles get through its latest salary cap crisis.

“I’m more than happy to take a 5% pay cut if it will help the club out a bit,” Cherry-Evans told the media this afternoon.

“I’ll even sell off several of my larger chateaus if it will help balance the books – but I don’t think Manly has an issue so it shouldn’t come to that.”

The generous offer to downsize his contract and fire some of his less valuable servants could be welcome news to Manly, who up until recently were chasing the signature of Todd Carney.

“It was nice of Daly to offer but the truth is we would need him to do more than sack a few slaves to get us out of the shit,” a spokesperson for Manly told us.

“He would have to agree to let go of his entire share portfolio and allow us to lease back Brookvale Oval from him – the guy pretty much owns owns every bit of our collateral.”

The NRL says it will likely push ahead with its salary cap investigation unless Daly Cherry-Evans decides to purchase the investigation as an investment, then it will likely be dropped.

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MALONEY WANTS PLAYERS TO BLEED FOR THEIR JERSEY AT PENRITH.

Penrith five-eighth James Maloney believes he can bring the key ingredient to the Penrith Panthers that can take them all the way to a premiership – loyalty.

“As someone who has played for most of the clubs in the NRL I have great insight into what a club needs to be successful,” Maloney said this afternoon.

“I play for a new jersey just about every year and in that time I have really studied what makes them successful or unsuccessful, and to me the best clubs are the ones where blokes stick around.”

“I’m hoping to teach that lesson here at Penrith.”

Maloney will partner Nathan Cleary in the halves next year, however, the former Sharks, Roosters, Storm, Eels and Warriors player was reticent to confirm whether that will be the permanent halves combination throughout the season.

“It’s really hard to say if that’s what the club will stick with, it will depend on whether or not I take a more lucrative one year deal with the Bulldogs or not,” a coy Maloney responded.

“My manager is in talks with them (the Bulldogs) right now but honestly, I’d probably prefer to be a seven club player if possible and teach that loyalty to the younger fellas here at the Tigers.”

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MISSING OUT ON NATIONAL SELECTION WAS TAKING A TOLL ON HIS BODY SAYS PEARCE.

In the wake of Cooper Cronk’s retirement from representative duties, rival Mitchell Pearce has also hung up his chance of ever wearing a green and gold jersey.

“I’ve had an amazing ride on the international scene,” Pearce said in between choking back tears.

“I will take with me so many great memories, like that time I listened in on the wireless to not hear my name read out, to that other time I watched the boys who were actually selected train from afar – it’s going to be hard to give all that up to be honest with you.”

Pearce was presented with an honorary jersey by Kangaroos coach Mal Meninga this morning.

“We thought it was a nice thing to do to Mitch seeing how much the poor guy wanted one,” Meninga said.

“We also sterilised the jersey to make it especially clean, we know how much he enjoys playing in rep jerseys that look like they haven’t been used.”

Pearce hopes his retirement from not playing for Australia will allow him to focus on not playing for NSW next year.

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NOT HAPPY WITH THE DIRECTION OF THE EELS

New Eels recruit Jarryd Hayne has hit out at the coaching staff of the Parramatta Eels claiming they have not done enough to support his return to the club.

Hayne reportedly approached the Eels board this morning to ask Brad Arthur be released from his contract and that a new coach be appointed before the 2018 season.

“I’ve been working my butt off for this club since I signed and Brad has not done enough to nurture my talent in that time,”  Jarryd Hayne said in a statement released today.

“It is my belief that a new coach is needed to take the Eels in a fresh direction and guide the team to success until my sudden departure to a new club.”

Hayne, who has attended one video session since returning, is adamant that new coaching blood is needed to bring out the best in his game, a point he was quick to reaffirm at a press conference held only moments ago.

“I would like to see a real mentor of the game take the helm here at the Eels, like a Wayne Bennett or a Neil Henry type,” Hayne said.

When questioned as to why he would want Neil Henry as coach given he only recently had him fired from the Titans, a visibly unhappy Jarryd fired back.

“Okay, what’s your name mate? You’re fired. I won’t accept questions like that alright, those kinds of questions don’t bring out the best in me okay champ,” Hayne bristled before storming out of the press conference.

Hayne is now seeking a release from the Eels following the incident.

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PEARCE IS VERY CONFIDENT OF MEDIOCRITY AFTER SIGNING WITH KNIGHTS.

Mitchell Pearce has declared he can take the Newcastle Knights all the way through to the third week of the finals series in 2018.

“I know I still have it in me to marshal the troops and get them one game away from a grand final,” a confident Pearce said after announcing news of his multimillion dollar contract with the Knights this afternoon.

“Building up the hopes of fans and then stomping on them in crucial big pressure moments is what I do best and I see no reason I won’t be able to do that next year for Newcastle.”

News of Pearce coming to the steel town was met with mixed emotions from fans and club staff alike.

“It’s bittersweet for us to be honest,” Knights coach Nathan Brown revealed only moments ago.

“I mean, it’s nice to know that with Mitchy here we will be a good chance of playing finals footy next year, but on the other hand, it kinda sux to know that with Mitchy here we will never win a premiership – honestly I don’t know how to feel right now.”

Bookmakers have also found themselves in a weird spot with punters, making some significant adjustments to the market next year following the news.

“Well the odds of Newcastle making the semis in 2018 is now in the red,” a spokesperson for Sportsbet told us.

“However the chances of a premiership for these guys has now blown out to 43765/1 – to give you some perspective that’s the same odds we offer for James Maloney to finish his career with Penrith – pretty smokey stuff.”

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TITANS PLAYERS WERE REPORTEDLY UNIMPRESSED BY THE ERROR THIS MORNING.

Jarryd Hayne has been forced to make an embarrassing apology to the Gold Coast Titans today after wearing the wrong jersey to training.

Rumours have been rife that the former Eel has made secret plans to head back to his former club the Parramatta Eels in 2018, however the latest gaffe by Hayne may have let the cat out of the bag earlier than he anticipated.

“Yeah obviously it’s a bit embarrassing to turn up to training in the wrong colours, I’ll try not to let that happen again,” a contrite Hayne told the media this morning.

“I’d like to also apologise to my coach Brad Arthur for bringing the media spotlight on him so early in the pre-season, that’s obviously not ideal.”

When told by the media that his coach isn’t Brad Arthur and is in fact Garth Brennan, a red-faced Hayne started back tracking.

“Yeah that’s what I meant, Garth Brooks, I’d like to say sorry to the Taipans coach Garth Brooks.”

When told again of an error, this time that he plays for the Titans and not the Taipans, Hayne issued an immediate retraction.

“Yeah look, I’d like to apologise again to my coach Brad Arthur for calling the Eels the Taipans, yeah, having a real shocker this morning aye,” Hayne said.

The mistake-laden interview is still continuing.

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TOUGH DECISIONS AHEAD FOR PEARCE.

With time running out to make a call on his playing future, former Roosters playmaker Mitchell Pearce has assured the public that he will be making a decision very soon.

“I just don’t want to be rushed into anything,” Pearce told Fairfax media this morning.

“If I’ve learned anything from my years of not winning big games it’s that you never take these kinds of decisions by the scruff of the neck, it’s always best to take a bit of a back seat and just watch how things pan out from afar.”

“With that in mind I’ve finally decided to make a decision soon on which five clubs I like the best – maybe.”

Mitchell’s manager Greg Draper admits that his clients’ strategy of negotiating his playing future in the same way he negotiates the back end of games constitutes “a bit of risk”.

“I do worry that by going missing on these club negotiations that Mitch will walk away empty handed like he has with his entire playing career,” Mr Draper told the media.

“I’m actually considering calling Luke Keary to finalise a deal on Mitch’s behalf because I know that Luke did a lot of that for him last season at the Roosters.”

In breaking news, the Newcastle Knights, Manly Sea Eagles and Cronulla Sharks have all dropped out of the race for Pearce’s signature, citing concerns over Pearce’s ability to be decisive and tackle.

THE PLANT CLAIMS IT STILL FINDS IT HARD TO TRUST CELEBRITY GARDENERS AFTER THE INCIDENT.

Fresh allegations against former celebrity gardener Don Burke have been levelled by a pot plant who used to work on Burke’s Backyard.

The plant, who wishes to remain anonymous, alleges Mr Burke would routinely molest its leaves and stems on set and one time even tried to grab a root.

“I didn’t ask for Don to touch me, he would just find an excuse to drop by and caress my sprouting flowers – it was really gross,” the plant told the media.

“He would fertilise my soil against my will – sometimes he would use a brand fertiliser and sometimes he would use more unique methods.”

When questioned as to what unique methods it was referring to, the pot plant broke down and discontinued the interview.

THE FAULT REPORT IS A SATIRICAL WEBSITE AND ITS CONTENTS ARE NOT INTENDED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REALITY IS PURELY (AND LAMENTABLY) COINCIDENTAL.