SUNRISE EMPLOYS HANSON AS CULTURAL AFFAIRS REPORTER

DELIGHTED TO JOIN THE LONG TRADITION OF QUALITY NEWS GATHERING AT SUNRISE SAYS HANSON

DELIGHTED TO JOIN THE PROUD TRADITION OF QUALITY NEWS GATHERING AT SUNRISE SAYS HANSON

Channel Seven’s Sunrise program has today announced the appointment of Pauline Hanson as its expert reporter on Australian cultural issues, citing a need to beef up its sheltered white viewership.

“Our ratings were beginning to drop sharply in the crucial anti-vaxxer and xenophobe demographic so pulling Pauline into the team was an easy choice for us,” Executive Producer Sean Hannity told The Fault Report.

The show’s resident angry bald man David Koch has also welcomed the news.

“Pauline basically lives here anyway, so formalising the relationship and making her a bonafide reporter makes a lot of sense,” Koch stated this morning on Sunrise.

“It’s actually not that difficult to be a Sunrise reporter anyway to tell you the truth, you simply need a camera, a mouth, and good lighting – a natural acute ignorance generally takes care of the rest.”

To celebrate the announcement, Sunrise gifted Ms Hanson a haram-certified sponge cake with 50 shades of white icing sugar baked into every layer.

Pauline Hanson was delighted to both take on the role and eat the entire cake on live television this morning.

“Thank you so much Sunrise, I’ve never tasted anything whiter, I honestly feel more ayran with every slice,” a gleeful Ms Hanson said in between mouthfuls of sweet white plume.

THE FAULT REPORT IS A SATIRICAL WEBSITE AND ITS CONTENTS ARE NOT INTENDED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REALITY IS PURELY (AND LAMENTABLY) COINCIDENTAL.

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