GOLD COAST TITANS EMPLOY NEW PERFORMANCE TEAM

(PICTURED ABOVE) THE MEDICAL TEAM WORKING FRANTICALLY TO FIND A CURE FOR KONRAD HURRELL'S KNEES

THE MEDICAL TEAM (PICTURED ABOVE) WORKING FRANTICALLY TO FIND A CURE FOR KONRAD HURRELL’S KNEES

The Gold Coast Titans have flown in a crack medical team from the United States to help make them less breakable.

The team of scientists and doctors have been tasked with helping the injury-prone squad get through a match without losing several players to severe snapping and haemorrhaging.

“Even before the Titans contacted us we had all heard about the NRL team from Australia who can’t help but shatter when touched,” Dr Young told the waiting media at Coolangatta Airport this morning.

“On the flight over I was looking over the medical records of a Mr Kane Elgey, I mean he appears to be made out of some kind of semi-dense tissue paper – I’ve never seen anyone like that in my 30 years of practicing medicine.”

The team is confident of finding a much-needed cure for the Titans, however, they admit the remedy won’t happen overnight.

“For the interim we are going to recommend these players are plied with a combination of rubber and masking tape until we get some firm results from our research,” the group said in a statement.

“We also suggest Nathan Peats be confined to a giant bubble until we know what form of aggressive osteoporosis is attacking his fragile body.”

THE FAULT REPORT IS A SATIRICAL WEBSITE AND ITS CONTENTS ARE NOT INTENDED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REALITY IS PURELY (AND LAMENTABLY) COINCIDENTAL.

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